How a woman tests out her man

My step-son got married last year; my son is getting married next year. I've found myself pondering on the nature of relationships, in particular how a woman chooses a man. It seems to me that when women seek a life partner there may be an unconscious testing process that goes on.

She is looking for someone who is capable enough to look after her and her family when the babies are small; wise enough to provide support and guidance when she needs it; empathetic enough to listen and understand her concerns; and strong enough to match her and hold her in check when necessary. The first three of these are probably conscious desires and she can look at the evidence to see if her man is doing the necessary. The last one is not.

My belief is that a woman subconsciously puts her man through a trial of strength to see if he is stronger than her – that is what she is looking for. Someone who can match her energy, contain her desires, stand up for himself in a fight but not hurt her physically or emotionally, who knows what he wants, and, to put it bluntly, will not put up with her shit. She is unconsciously testing him, and can become bossy, demanding and sometimes downright bitchy. Unbeknown to both parties, she is not wanting him to defer, she is wanting him to say ‘Enough!’ to hold her and say ‘I respect you, and you need to respect me too’. Then she can relax, knowing she has made the right choice.

Breaking the Cycle

I just spent a week working with a group of people who want to build a better future for themselves. All had difficult life stories. Many had spent time in prison. And, unusually for these courses, the majority were women.

I witnessed a lot of honesty and courage this week, a lot of wisdom and support, and an intense desire to bring up their own children to choose a different path.

Their stories reinforced my belief that the way the teenage years are handled are critical: it is so easy to create alienation when the support of adults is most needed but least likely to be ask for, our disapproval pushing teenagers into the very company we don't want them to keep.

The pain these women and their children have been through breaks my heart. But there is hope too: facing and moving on from their past may allow the women to break the cycle and not to pass their troubles on to the next generation.