Building a Better Future

I’m in the office getting ready for next week’s Building a Better Future course, which my husband Peter and I run for people who want to make changes in their lives. The list of names has been shifting all week, some people dropping off because of changes in their circumstances, others being added at the last minute.

We’ve been in the self-development field for many years and have worked on this particular course during the last three. It was initially aimed solely at people who had been in prison, but we soon realised there are many more people needing this kind of input, so opened it up to anyone who is ready and willing to change. We have teamed up with the homelessness charity Crisis and run the course in their Skylight Centre in London four times a year. Participants now include the homeless and recently homeless, people who have struggled with addiction, and those looking for a new way forward. Anyone is welcome as long as they come for the full five days, are prepared to look at themselves and their situation, and are open to change.

We’ve had people of all ages, from young people of 18 through to pensioners; men and women; many nationalities and from all walks of life. Whatever the backgrounds of those in the room, at the end of the week there is a group of people who have been on a journey together, who care about each others’ future and are prepared to offer one another support if it’s needed.

Despite the range of people who attend the course, their issues are often similar: a difficult childhood or traumatic event that caused deep pain, low self-esteem, anger and self-pity. This often led to disengagement with education; violence or crime; substance abuse; and/or mental health issues. Most people are deeply ashamed, but often mask this by blaming their circumstances, other people or society for their ills.  

During the week we explore the emotions that control us, discover how to identify them and to release them safely and effectively. We identify the best in us and the worst in us; most people find it much easier to see what is wrong with them than to acknowledge their qualities, but by the end of the week everyone knows their strengths and how they can use those to move forward. We look at our life stories and how they have made us who we are – we take responsibility for the decisions we’ve made, and forgive ourselves for those bits of our lives we aren’t proud of.

We use a variety of processes to achieve this. The key thing is to build trust within the group, and a range of simple exercises help participants get to know each other and feel comfortable in the room. On the first day we look at a model of emotions, allowing people to explore what emotions have dominated their lives and how to manage them; we use discussion and drama to do this. Throughout the week we use relaxation techniques, breathing and visualisation to manage stress, build self-esteem and release old emotions. We use stories, poems, drawing and symbolism to by-pass old thought patterns and explore new ways of looking at things. Once the group has bonded and there is a high level of trust, participants can use a listening circle to express and release the parts of their past that are holding them back. By the end of the week the group knows each other well and are able to give each other powerful feedback that leaves people feeling valued and recognised. The final day involves making a practical action plan for next three months and a simple ritual to leave the past behind and step into a better future. 

The course allows people to let go of things that have been holding them back, leave their past behind and to decide what needs to be done to embark on a positive future. There’s a lot of laughter along the way and often a few tears. For many it is healing place and a turning point in their life. It is powerful and effective because it addresses the causes of the participants’ destructive behaviour. Once these have been identified and released, the person is able to move on from their past and start making constructive choices. Whilst the journey is by no means over, participants usually leave with a sense of self-worth feeling that a burden has been lifted from them. This makes it easier for them to address mental health issues, addiction and offending, and so not only improves their life chances, but also reduces the amount the state will spend on them in their lifetime – a week’s investment with a high return in every sense.

So back in the office I’ve done the confirmation calls and am looking forward to meeting those I’ve spoken to. I look at the list and wonder who will arrive and who will not, and who will stay the course. I’m looking forward to getting to know the personalities, hear their stories and witness the struggles and triumphs they experience during the week. But most of all I’m looking forward to learning what each person I share the week with will add to my life.

Ten Lessons for Life

Last week I was the guest of honour at the Awards Evening at Ilkley Grammar School in Yorkshire. A great honour to be asked, but after presenting the certificates and awards, what should I say to the assembled students and parents? I decided to look at what I had learnt in life that might have been handy to know earlier.

1. Courage is like a muscle and should be exercised regularly. When an opportunity comes up, make a habit of saying 'yes'. Notice how your body feels and learn to interpret it. I used to think butterflies in the tummy meant 'don't do it', but learnt they are actually saying 'it's your turn'.
2. Take your own path.  Everyone is unique and has their own path. Some people know exactly what they want to do in life – they are lucky. Most do not, and it may take a while to find out. Your energy levels will give you some clues: what makes your energy lift, what makes it die? When faced with a choice, which option makes your energy go up, which one leaves you feeling  flat? Awareness of your energy levels may help you find your path.
3. You can be good at anything.  Everyone has natural talents, but you can also become very good at things that you like but are not initially gifted at. All it takes is interest, commitment, and lots of practice!
4. If you don't know what you want to do yet, do what you are doing well.  Anything you do will add to your experience and give you skills and insights that you can apply later. The more you apply yourself to what you are currently doing the more you will learn, gathering skills and experience you will need when you do find out what it is you want to do.
5. You need to be flexible to reach your potential.  I remember myself in my early 20s. My attitude was roughly: "This is me and if people don't like how I am they can lump it!" It took me a while to realise that it was me that was losing out. But once I moved out of the comfort of my limitations, I felt more able to be fully myself. Seek feedback and advice and be open to change.
6. Respect matters. When working with parents and teachers I'm sometimes told that young people should only be shown respect when they've earned it. Some teenagers have a similar view about adults. These attitudes result in a stalemate, while making the first move to give others respect usually brings out the best in people. Also respect yourself: care for yourself and learn to say 'no' when you need to. And be aware that everyone is sensitive, in fact the less sensitive they appear on the outside the more sensitive they are likely to be on the inside.
7. What matters is who you are, not what you do or have. People won't remember you for your job title, the size of your house or the make of your car. They will remember you for the qualities you bring and the effect these have on others. 
8. Life runs in cycles.  If you are finding something difficult, it will get easier; if you are feeling down, things will get better. But if things are good, that won't last for ever; there are likely to be challenges around the corner. We've heard about economic cycles, we are the bottom of one right now. The good news is that it will get better. But when it does, don't get fooled into thinking it will go on for ever. It won't. Life goes in cycles – plan for it.
9. Learning never stops.  Everything you do in life will give you an opportunity to learn. Our mistakes can be our best teachers. But if you're smart, you'll watch out for other people's mistakes and learn from them too!
10. Life will look after you.  Over the years I've come to realise that life will look after me – things do turn out in the end. But to let that happen you need to be alert: look out for and take advantage  of things that might help you. And learn to trust: trust that things will work out. 

Breaking the Cycle

I just spent a week working with a group of people who want to build a better future for themselves. All had difficult life stories. Many had spent time in prison. And, unusually for these courses, the majority were women.

I witnessed a lot of honesty and courage this week, a lot of wisdom and support, and an intense desire to bring up their own children to choose a different path.

Their stories reinforced my belief that the way the teenage years are handled are critical: it is so easy to create alienation when the support of adults is most needed but least likely to be ask for, our disapproval pushing teenagers into the very company we don't want them to keep.

The pain these women and their children have been through breaks my heart. But there is hope too: facing and moving on from their past may allow the women to break the cycle and not to pass their troubles on to the next generation.

Tips for Parents of Younger Boys

Spend time with other families that have boys and do adventurous, outdoor stuff together (the girls will love it too!)

Let boys have time outside after school to blow off steam.

Notice when grumpiness - yours and your childrens' - is due to low blood sugar. A snack might be what's needed.

Make friends with the parents of your sons' friends.

Form a parent study group, and work through each chapter of About Our Boys together.

Make sure you have some time to yourself doing a bit of what you like to do, then you'll find you have more energy to give the rest of the family. If you look after your own needs first, you will find it much easier to look after the needs of everyone else. (Lots of parents put their own needs last and then get exhausted and resentful.)

Get to know the other families in your street, whatever the ages of the children. Treat teenagers the same as you would anyone else - your kids will be teenagers one day and they are all lovely really!

Notice if you find yourself or hear others talking about how terrible a child is. Instead of judging him or his parents, look for the good in the child and offer support or ideas of how to bring the best out in him.

It takes a village ...

I've just got back from the youth club I help run in the village. I can't get over the change in one of the kids since the summer holidays, let's call him Tom. He was tricky to have around last year, very competitive, not a team player and a bad loser. He invariably got into a fight with one of his friends. His parents were convinced it was always the other boy's fault, we weren't. There was a sigh of relief on the days Tom didn't come.

But this term Tom is a changed boy – polite, cooperative, calm and ready to join in with the others. I initially put it down to growing up, but one of the other helpers had another theory. Tom had a new friend in the village and had spent much of the summer with his family; their influence had made Tom easier with himself.

I've seen this happen a number of times in the village over the years: one family taking a friend of their son under their wing and providing the stability and the guidance his own family were unable to give at the time. A bit like informal fostering, or an extended family. I'm sure this has always happened the world over, but it's not something that's considered when we think about raising children. Perhaps it's time to be a bit more conscious of the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child".

Gareth Malone's Extraordinary School for Boys

In a three-part series on BBC2 Gareth Malone rose to the challenge of raising boys' reading ages in Year's 5 and 6 in an Essex primary school. His approach? To get boys interested by doing things that interest boys, then identify the few who still aren't engaging, find out what motivates them and use that to challenge them to participate.

His strategies included lots of exercise, going outdoors, competition, debating, camping, tree climbing, den building, re-enacting battles, involving parents, boys stocking the library, dads reading to the boys around a campfire, and boys writing and performing their own play.

After eight weeks, the average reading age had gone up by 5 months, with one boy improving by 20 months, ie finally reaching his expected reading age.

It took a brave headteacher and open-minded staff to try out this experiment. While other schools may not have the budget and the cudos that comes with being on television, the principles underlying the programme can be used anywhere. It just takes courage, imagination and resourcefulness.

Children learn best when they enjoy learning. This approach can make school a better place for boys, for girls and for teachers.

Black Fatherhood in the 21st Century

I was recently invited to the House of Commons to the launch of a campaign on Black Fatherhood. The event was hosted by David Lammy MP and the Runnymede Trust. There were about fifty people in the audience, many of whom were involved in groups already doing great work on fatherhood.

David told the audience that he had been concerned about fatherhood for many years: his own father had left when he was 11 years old, he explained the effect this had on him and his family, and how it had felt like a personal betrayal. He recognised that a lot of people in the black community had private conversations about affects of fathering on family life, and said it is time to be brave enough to talk openly about it. In his speech he explained the particular challenges that face the black community – it is well worth reading.

David has started making these conversations public by producing a video showing discussions about fatherhood with black men of all ages and backgrounds. I found it really hardening to see a group of black professional men sitting on the House of Commons terrace discussing the effect their fathers had had in their lives.

One of the fathers in the audience was sporting a black t-shirt with 'I am the Dad' across the front. It turns out he's set up an organisation of the same name, has a band called Green Jade and is releasing the single Fathers Day in time for Fathers Day.

I met some of the other good people from organisations promoting fatherhood, you might want to check these out: Mighty Men of Valour, 100 Black Men and DadsHouse.